Last Updated on Friday, August 26, 2005
I've had a lot of humorous images and such emailed to me related to the terrorist murders in New York, Washington DC and Pennsylvania and the War against Terror. My feeling is that I don't see any humor in such murderous activities or the loss of our Service Members. But a lot of folks asked me to put together such a page so here it is. None of this content is meant to belittle the events of September 11, 2001 or show disrespect to those who've lost their lives or lost loved ones, colleagues or friends in the War on Terror.
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Bin Dumbshit
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Racial Profiling
To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and Medal Of Honor winning former Governors.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test.
In 1968 presidential candidate Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
(a) Superman
(b) Jay Leno
(c) Harry Potter
(d) Muslim male extremist between the
ages of 17 and 40
In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Corbutt
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a)
Norwegians from Ballard
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza
delivery boy
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being
able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an
unfair
and sexist requirement in basic training
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow
news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.
In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca
Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2"
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks
of dynamite left over from the train mission
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.
In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr.
Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from
Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to
promote its next villain: "Mustapha the Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
In October 2000, the USS Cole was attacked by suicide bombers resulting in the deaths of 17 US Navy Sailors. This attack was carried out by:
(a) Pink
Floyd
(b) Jethro Tull
(c) Lynyrd Skynner
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one was crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs
Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to
outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between
the ages of 17 and 40
In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Billy Graham
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.
Hmmm ............. nope, ain't no patterns here.
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Butt Bomber
UPI International
April 25, 2002
Kansas City
An American Airlines flight enroute from Los Angeles to JFK airport in New York City was diverted to Kansas City yesterday when a passenger was noticed attempting to light a fuse protruding from his rectum. Flight Attendant Bunny Haggarty said she noticed the man seated in an aisle seat leaning forward and holding a cigarette lighter behind his legs. I though he was just trying to light a fart, said Haggarty, like our pilots are always doing on layovers. Then I saw this string-like thing hanging from his ass, and I got scared. Haggarty immediately called for assistance.Several male passengers subdued the man before he was able to light the fuse.
After landing in Kansas City, authorities found the man's intestines were stuffed with military grade C4 explosive. FBI agents stated that it would have been a complete catastrophe if the passenger had succeeded in lighting the fuse. The passenger, Mohammed Bin Ali El Batout Nabeel Sin Abba Rahim Mansour Ali Baba, Age 25, was carrying fourteen passports from various countries throughout the middle east. Asked why he had stuffed himself full of plastic explosives, Ali Baba stated, "I was planning to blow the shit out of the plane. I wanted to kill all the Americans and Jews to show that we are a peace loving people."
Airport security agents in Los Angeles remembered seeing Ali Baba as he boarded American flight 90. They were a bit concerned because his name would not fit on the front of the ticket, he was wearing a checkered tablecloth as a hat, looked like he was ready to kill someone, was reading an Al Quaeda training manual and had on a "Fuck America" tee-shirt. According to Federal Airport Security standards, however, individuals cannot be profiled for additional security simply because they are young, middle-eastern men.
The security supervisor, Leroy Jackson, said he was somewhat concerned with the way Ali Baba walked. "Hell, man, the guy waddled like he had a stick of dynamite up his ass! Had I not been on the phone with my probation officer, I might have checked this guy out some more. But, we want and need complete diversity in our passenger screening," stated Jackson. "Plus, we think the flight crews on those planes pose more of a threat to safety than one raghead with an exploding ass."
"Thatıs why you can always find one of them pilots in bare feet waiting for his shoes to be x-rayed. I love seeing the look on their faces when we make them do that," he guffawed, adding, "I just hope they donıt give those guys guns, because they might want to even the score."
Federal officials are now referring to this latest terrorist attempt as a Obutt bomb. Security experts believe this could be even more difficult to detect than the primitive Oshoe bomb used by terrorist Richard Reid. I'm not sure how were going to check for Obutt bombs, stated Jackson. We donıt have technology to do it, but weıve got to check somehow in the interest of safety, adding, I think we should start with Flight Crews first.
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Afghanistan Christmas Carol
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the Land,
They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,
Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us Madder.
We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,
You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.
And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.
They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.
Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?
He came very close, to his final Breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a Man,
'Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.
They are our fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home with children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.
Osama I wrote this especially for You,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.
I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.
It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show.
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"IT'S GOD'S RESPONSIBILITY TO
FORGIVE BIN LADEN...
IT'S OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO ARRANGE THE MEETING!!!"
- United States Air Force
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A Taliban Army platoon was on
patrol when the commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their
area. The commander told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they
dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.
Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams
and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the
Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his
cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.
The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly
ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the
Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next
few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick
as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off
his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at
the Taliban soldiers once again.
The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack
the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone
Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill. Just before they
got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The bloodthirsty
soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying
in the air. It continued and continued.
Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all
bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn, cuts were
all over his body. The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to
catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice: "Sir,...run, it's a
trick. There are TWO of them!!"
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Subject: Moral Question
I have a moral question for you. Although this is an imaginary situation, I think it is worthwhile to decide what one would do in such a situation.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed. Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Osama Bin Laden who has been swept away by the floodwaters.
He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.
So, here's the question, and think very carefully, before you answer the question below:
Which lens and shutter speed would you use?
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Taliban Jokes
Q: What do Kabul and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing,.... yet.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Afghanistan Navy have glass
bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q: What do Osama bin laden and General Custer
have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and
a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket
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TCM News Bulletin
At a hastily called press conference this morning, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers as well as lavatory and gas station attendants.
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Peace Activists
What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid naive hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:
1) Approach dumb rich ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be, "no retaliation."
2) Engage in brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate.
3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
6) When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence."
7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.
8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.
Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.
These steps work just as well on female versions of stupid naive hemp-shirt-wearing college idiots.
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A POEM FOR BIN LADEN
Usama Bin Laden, your time is short;
We'd rather you die, than come to court.
Why are you hiding if it was in God's name?
You're just a punk with a turban; a pathetic shame.
I have a question, about your theory and laws;
"How come you never die for the cause?"
Is it because you're a coward who counts on others?
Well, here in America, we stand by our brothers.
As is usual, you failed in your mission;
If you expected pure chaos, you can keep on wishin'
Americans are now focused and stronger than ever;
Your death has become our next endeavor.
What you tried to kill, doesn't live in our walls;
It's not in buildings or shopping malls.
If all of our structures came crashing down;
It would still be there, safe and sound.
Because pride and courage can't be destroyed;
Even if the towers leave a deep void.
We'll band together and fill the holes
We'll bury our dead and bless their souls.
But then our energy will focus on you;
And you'll feel the wrath of the Red, White and Blue.
So slither and hide like a snake in the grass;
Because America's coming to kick your ass!!!
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What to do with Bin Laden
As for what to do with Osama bin Laden:
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire
his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the Special Forces, Seals, or whatever covertly capture him, fly him
to
an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex
change operation. Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a
woman
under the Taliban.
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Tribute to America Humorous Images
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| Priceless | Bin Laden Found | Weather Outlook for the Taliban | We Deliver |
A
Message from Boeing |
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| Gifts from the USA | Soon! | Holy War | ||
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| The Taliban | Merger | Scum Bags | Dick Head | |
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